Carl Rogers — Acceptance

Isaac Bashevis Singer

The world is in need of a lot of kindness today. Kindness must start one person at a time. I must first be kind to others before I can expect others to be kind to me. Am I kind to those around me? To family, friends and strangers on the street? How should I demonstrate my kindness? How do I show my caring? Can you be kind without loving the other person? What is the differences between love, caring and kindness? Or are they cut from the same cloth?

One of challenges we all face is accepting people who are different than ourselves. And I am not talking here about race, culture, religion or nationality. I'm talking about the little things that separate people. Is there someone in your life who talks too much or too little? Are there people who you perceive to be stuck-up or unfriendly? Do you dislike fat people or sloppy people? Is there someone in your life who is too organized or too thin? Do you think all poets are crazy and should get paying jobs like the rest of us? Do you not like the way someone combs his hair or the clothes he wears?

Are you gentle in your relationships with others or do you run over people like a Mack truck? Do you act like it is your way or the highway? When I read the life stories of artists and writers, I find some to be temperamental and self-centered as well as mean and cruel to those they love.  They abuse others. But my question is does it have to be this way. Can an artist or writer be kind and caring to the people in his life and still be a creative leader?  I think true strength comes in being gentle with others. 

As artists and writers, we often can be most abusive with ourselves. Our art never lives up to our expectations. The finished product is never as good as we saw it in our mind's eye. We should learn to accept the gifts that we have been given and not compare our work to that of other people. We are not them. We are each unique in the gifts that we have been given.  We need to be gentle with ourselves. 

Sally Field

"It took me a long time not to judge myself through someone else's eyes."

— Sally Field

American Actress

November 6, 1946 -

Commentary
Probably one of the most negative, destructive critics that creative leaders confront are themselves. We are often harsher on ourselves than we are on our family, peers and friends. We compare ourselves to those around us and believe we are not as good. We believe that others don't like us and are looking down their noses at us. We take a simple negative statement that often is uttered and forgotten to heart and walk around crushed for days and weeks.

Don't judge yourself through the eyes of others. Don't let their negative comments penetrate your heart and soul. Protect yourself from the onslaught of their poisonous arrows. No one can know you better than yourself. Their comments are only their perception of who they think you are. They only see only a part of you. They don't know you.

Creative Practice
This week make a list of 10 of your most positive traits and post them somewhere that you can read them. Read this list aloud to yourself when you wake in the morning and again before you go to bed at night. Carry a copy of the list with you and whenever someone puts you down, pull out your list and read it aloud to yourself.

Biography
Sally Field, the Academy Award winning actress, was born in Pasadena, California to Richard Field, an Army officer, and Margaret Field, an actress. Her parents divorced when she was four. She was a cheerleader in high school. In the 1960s she starred in two TV shows: Gidget and the The Flying Nun. Gidget lasted only 32 episodes (one season) from September, 1965 - April 1966. The Flying Nun lasted for 83 episodes and ran from September, 1967 - September, 1970.

Sally Field starred in the title role of the 1976 TV movie, Sybil, and won an Emmy Award. She co-starred with Burt Reynolds in Smokey and the Bandit in 1977. In 1979, she starred inNorma Rae and won the Academy Award for Best Actress. She won a second Best Actress award for the 1984 movie, Places in the Heart.

Video
Here are clips from 10 of Sally Field's movies.

Blaise Pascal

"I bring you the gift of these four words: I believe in you."

— Blaise Pascal

French Writer, Mathematician

1623 - 1662

One of the greatest gifts that any creative leader can receive is the gift of knowing someone believes in his artistic ability.  Do you have someone who believes in you and your ability to create works of art?  Is it a parent?  A child?  A spouse?  A friend?  A teacher?  A mentor?

I have had a number of people in my life who believed in me.  My parents believed enough to send me to college and to pay for it even when I disappointed them with my religious views.  I have had teachers and professors who encouraged throughout my school years.  When I was in the fourth grade, a teacher pulled another boy and me aside and told us we needed to take a leadership role on the playground and prevent fights.  In college a professor asked to publish one of my poems in the college magazine my freshman year in contrast to another professor who criticized the poem in public and called me an ass.  Through out my 38 years of marriage, my wife has been very supportive of my need to write even when it brought us no money or security.  It took my time and energy.  My daughter has shown her support by incorporating my poems into her paintings.  Each one of these people said through their actions that they believed in me.

Who have been the people in your life who supported you and believed in you?  Have you said thank you lately.

Harley King

Self-Portrait
Oil Pastels
(2011)

"Sometimes we fight who we are, struggling against ourselves and our natures.  But we must learn to accept who we are and appreciate who we become.  We must love ourselves for what and who we are, and believe in our talents."

— Harley King

American Poet, Speaker

1949 - 

I have struggled much of my life to find myself and my place in this world.  I have never been satisfied, always wanting to do more, to accomplish more.  I wanted to be a famous writer.  But instead, my success came through my speaking.  While I have published 14 books, my readership is small and my paycheck is even smaller.  Yet, somewhere a long the way I learned to accept who I am and to trust that I am doing what I am supposed to be doing.  I touch people's lives with my words.  

I wrote the words above when I turned fifty.  Today I turn 62 and I feel that I have learned not to struggle against myself, and have accepted who I am as well as my strengths and limitations.  I have learned to hug myself and to love who I am.

Have you learned to love yourself and to believe in your talents?  Do you appreciate the life you live and accept your strengths and weaknesses?  None of us are perfect and the lives we lead are not perfect, but we are leading the life we have chosen through our thoughts and actions.  


Here is a link to my reading of my poem, Indecision, inspired by the Renoir painting, Umbrellas.  Click on Indecision and it will take you to a page on my website.

John Maxwell

"The fear of rejection or failure creates inaction."

— John Maxwell

American Author, Speaker

1947 - 

Fear is a very powerful force that affects the lives of most creative leaders.  Some people are afraid to leave their houses.  Some people like me are afraid of heights.  Others are afraid of elevators.  This list could go on and on.  A person who claims that he is not afraid of anything is either delusional or a liar.  We are all afraid of something. 

It takes courage to look fear in the face and still do something when you are afraid.  If you give into fear, you will freeze on the spot and not move.  Creative leaders face a lot of rejection of their ideas and work.  But we must keep going.  What is the worst thing that can happen?  People don't like us.  So what?  Every famous writer, artist, singer or actor has people who don't like them.  No one is liked by everyone.  So why should you and me expect to be liked by everyone?  In fact, think about the famous people whom you don't like.  You, in a sense are rejecting them.

I learned a powerful lesson from a professional speaker.  He told me that 10% of your audience will not like you.  They may not like the color of your hair.  Or the sound of your voice.  Or the tie you are wearing.  And it has held true for me.  Ten percent of my audience don't like my loud voice.  So I focus on the other 90%.  I don't let my fear of rejection prevent me from speaking.

Rejection is a good thing.  It keeps us humble.  We are not perfect so we shouldn't let success go to our heads.  It lets us know that we are ahead of our time.  We have found people who don't like our work and that is okay.  So don't let fear stop you from creating and producing new work.

(For those who read my blog regularly, I apologize for not leaving an entry yesterday.  I have spent the last two days in the hospital because of dehydration.  I checked out about three hours ago and am healthy again.)

Stanley Kunitz

"The poem in the head is always perfect.  Resistance begins when you try to convert it into language."

— Stanley Kunitz

American Poet

1905 - 2006

This statement by Stanley Kunitz sums up one of the key challenges that every creative leader faces.  What we create in the physical world never is as good as what we imagine in our minds.  Most artists, writers and performers are never satisfied with the end product because we see something different in our mind's eye.  And we have to learn to accept that it is okay to be imperfect.  Perfection is unachievable.  In fact, as humans what makes us interesting is our flaws.  And the same thing is true of our art.  It is the mistakes that make our art unique.  If the work we created was perfect, then every piece of art would look the same.  It is our flaws and weaknesses that make our art uniquely ours.  Our imperfections help make the art perfect.

Here is a poem by Stanley Kunitz.

Passing Through

By Stanley Kunitz

     -- on my seventy-ninth birthday

Nobody in the widow's household
ever celebrated anniversaries.
In the secrecy of my room
I would not admit I cared
that my friends were given parties.
Before I left town for school
my birthday went up in smoke
in a fire at City Hall that gutted
the Department of Vital Statistics.
If it weren't for a census report
of a five-year-old White Male
sharing my mother's address
at the Green Street tenement in Worcester
I'd have no documentary proof
that I exist.  You are the first,
my dear, to bully me
into these festive occasions.

Sometimes, you say, I wear
an abstracted look that drives you
up the wall, as though it signified
distress or disaffection.
Don't take it so to heart.
Maybe I enjoy not-being as much
as being who I am.  Maybe
it's time for me to practice
growing old.  The way I look
at it, I'm passing through a phase:
gradually I'm changing to a word.
Whatever you choose to claim
of me is always yours;
nothing is truly mine
except my name.  I only
borrowed this dust.

George Washington Carver

"How far you go in life depends on your being tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving, and tolerant of the weak and strong.  Because someday in life you will have been all of these."

— George Washington Carver

American Scientist

1864 - 1943

One of challenges we all face is accepting people who are different than ourselves.  And I am not talking here about race or culture or religon or nationality.  I'm talking about the little things that separate people.  Is there someone in your life who talks  too much or too little?  Are there people who you perceive to be stuck-up?  Do you dislikefat people or sloppy people?  Is there someone in your life who is too organized or too thin?  Do you think all poets are crazy and should get a real job?  Do you not like the way someone combs his hair or the clothes he wears?

As George Washington Carver points out, we are all human.  We have all been young and if we live long enough we will all grow old.  What people who complain about growing old don't realize is that the alternative is dying young.  Now the interesting idea in this quote is that we need to be tolerant of both the strong and the weak.  And it is easy to see being tolerant of the weak, but why the strong?  I think the reason we need to be tolerant of the strong is because they also make mistakes.  We have a tendency to put people on a pedestal and then knock them off.  We don't like it when our heroes are too perfect.  We prefer them to have clay feet so we can knock them down.

As writers, artists and actors, we sometimes put other actors, writers and artists on a pedestal and become disappointed when they don't live up to our expectations.  We need to become more accepting and tolerant of our peers, mentors and teachers.  We are all human and we all make mistakes.  The message is simple: judge not others.