St.Francis de Sales — Be Yourself

William A. Ward — Humor

Are you able to laugh at yourself and the circumstances you find yourself in?  Life has a tendency to throw you off balance and unless you are able to laugh, you will surely cry.  Laughter gives us balance and a way to cope with the challenges we face.  

Many of us take ourselves too seriously. We need to learn to laugh at ourselves. We all make mistakes. We all screw-up. When we learn to laugh at our mistakes, we begin to heal the pain. None of us are perfect, even those of us who try to be. For years perfection has been one of my goals whether I was speaking or writing and I have had to learn a hard lesson that it is okay to make a mistake. I have had to learn to relax and to laugh at myself. In fact, mistakes make us better people, more human.

Have you laughed today? In these crazy times (and when have they not been crazy?), we need to be able to find humor in the absurdity of living or we will quickly lose perspective. We will fail to see the forest. Laughter and humor are essential for maintaining one's sanity in a difficult, confusing and chaotic world.

Some of the best humor is what I call spontaneous humor.  This is humor that is not planned.  This is humor that rises spontaneously out of the situation and it can't be conveyed to others.  This is humor that you have to have been there to grasp it. 

Are you able to find the humor in difficult situations?  I challenge you to keep a humor journal where you record funny things that happen to you.  And on those days when you feeling down, pick up your journal and relive those laughs.

Harley King

Sometimes we as creative leaders are our own worst critics.  We often don't appreciate the talent we have been given or the skill we have mastered.  We have a difficult time accepting praise from others.  Sometimes we don't even want to let others see our work.  We are afraid of what they may say.

We need to learn not to beat ourselves up over every minor mistake or perceived mistake.  Mistakes actually are good things because they often lead to new creative ideas.  Don't let your mistakes knock you down.  Find the opportunity in the mistake.  

The Japanese have a concept called kintsugi which is the art of repairing broken pottery with lacquer mixed with gold, silver or platinum.  The artist treats the breakage and repair as part of the history of the object, not as something to be thrown out or hidden.  The artist embraces the flaws and imperfections. 

As creative leaders, we need to stop trying to be perfect and, instead, embrace our flaws and imperfections.  We need to incorporate our flaws into our work.  We need to find the beauty within the ugly.  We need to enjoy what our flaws have to teach us.

Henry Miller

"There are no perfect beings, and there never will be."

— Henry Miller

American Writer

1891 - 1980

Commentary
Do you strive to be perfect in your writing, your painting, or even your music?  Perfection is a pursuit that plagues many people.  Ever since Adam and Eve were tossed out of the Garden of Eden, human beings have sought to return to the land of perfection.  As a child, I sought perfection at school, at church and in the home.  I attempted to become perfect in the eyes of God.

In fourth grade, my teacher, Mrs. Windley, pulled another boy and myself aside and told us that we needed to be leaders on the playground.  We needed to stop the other children who were misbehaving.  I, of course, had no idea what she meant.  Supposedly, because we behaved so well, she wanted us to influence the other children.  I had no idea how to do that.

I have tried to write the perfect poem, the perfect short story, the perfect novel and failed miserably.  Early in my career, I would spend hours and hours rewriting and revising.  I usually reached a point in my revising where the words returned to what I had originally wrote.  I had come full circle and I knew it was time to stop.

I read a story once of a Japanese haiku poet, who in his lifetime had written thousands of haiku.  When he was dying, he destroyed all but three of his haiku.  He felt the others were not good enough — were not perfect.

I have spent a lifetime struggling against the false god of perfection.  I know I will never be perfect, but a part of me still seeks to reach it.  The lesson I keep relearning is that it is okay to fail — to make mistakes, to be human.  Failure is part of the human state.

Self-Portrait

In the American society, we put people on pedestals and make heroes out of them.  They become our perfect idols.  We worship them.  And then when we discover that they are human, we vilify them.  They have let us down.  We condemn them.  We do it to our sports heroes, our politicians, our artists.  Nobody is perfect.  Our heroes have clay feet.  Our heroes will fail us.

Are you a perfectionist?  Do you punish yourself for your failures?  Do you judge yourself too harshly?  Have you learned to forgive yourself?  To accept your mistakes?  To understand that it is okay to be human? To realize the Garden of Eden does not exist?

Creative Practice
This week revisit some of your creative works that you consider to be failures and look at them through fresh eyes.  Learn to accept it.  Send it out into the world with all it flaws.  Also, take time this week and forgive yourself for the mistakes that you have made.  Accept the fact that you are human.

Biography
Henry Valentine Miller was the son of Heinrich Miller and Louise Marie Neiting.  He was of Lutheran German descent.  He was born and raised in New York City.  He attend college for one semester.

Miller was married five times (talk about failure) and had three children.  He worked for Western Union.  He wrote his first novel that was never published at the age of 31.  His second and third novels were not published until after his death. (More failure.)

Henry Miller painting

In 1930 Miller moved to Paris and began working on Tropic of Cancer.  He met Anais Nin who became his lover and financed the first printing of Tropic of Cancer in 1934.  The book was banned in the United States on the grounds of obscenity.  He continued to write novels that were banned. (More failure.)

Miller moved back to New York in 1940 and then to California in 1942.  In 1961 Tropic of Cancer was finally published in the United States by Grove Press.  The publication led to a series of obscenity trials that tested the laws on pornography.  The U. S. Supreme Court 1964 declared the book a work of literature.  Eventually his books were all published in the U.S.

Miller also painted more than 2,000 watercolor paintings in his life.  He was a friend of French painter, Gregoire Michonze.

Abraham Lincoln

"I do the very best I know how — the very best I can; and I mean to keep on doing it until the end."

— Abraham Lincoln

American President

1809 - 1865

All we can hope to do is our very best.  We can do no more.  We will not be able to please everyone so we need to please ourselves.   Don't compare yourself to others.  They are not you.  You are unique.  There is not another person on this planet with the exact same talents and skills.  You are not in competition with others.  You are only in competition with yourself.  Do the very best that you can do and keep on doing it even when others don't appreciate it.

George S. Patton

"If a man has done his best, what else is there?"

 

— George S. Patton

American General

1885 - 1945

If you have done your best, then pat yourself on the back and celebrate.   We are never going to be perfect.  We need to give it our best shot and stop worrying.  We are sometimes too harsh on ourselves and we must learn to accept who we are and what we have done. 

Now if we have not done our best, that is a different story.  We need to always push ourselves to do our best.  No loafing or pretending.  But once we have done our best, then we need to learn to let go.

Harley King

"The more I try to be perfect; 
the more I fail."

— Harley King

American Poet, Speaker, Storyteller

1949 —

Much of my life, I have tried to be perfect: the perfect son, the perfect student, the perfect husband, the perfect father, the perfect writer, the perfect speaker and the perfect employee.  But I failed every time.  I have never been able to live up to the image I had myself or that others had of me.

And most people can not live up to the images that other people have of them.  I am sure that you have favorite writers or artists whose work you love.  Yet, if you ever read a biography of the person, you realize that he was not as good in his personal life as you imagined  him to be.  All our heroes have clay feet.

It has taken me years, but I have made progress.  I worry less today about being perfect.  In fact, I have learned to celebrate my failures.  And to enjoy making mistakes.  It is okay to be human.

How about you?  Are you a perfectionist?  Are you trying to live up to the image that others have you?  Or have you let go of your need to be the perfect writer?  The perfect painter?  The perfect singer?  Do you celebrate your mistakes?

And to help us celebrate this summer, here are a few of my summer haiku.

lightning bugs

    flicker in the neighbor's lawn . . .

        another June gone

at the crack of the bat

    the crowd roars to its feet . . .

        full moon tonight

family picnic —

    lightning bugs

        among the voices

heat wave —

    sharing watermelon

        with friends

a monarch lights

    on my sweat-covered arm . . .

        and is gone

Meredith Monk

"At a certain point, you have to go to the edge of the cliff and jump — put your ideas into a form, share that form with others."

— Meredith Monk

American Composer

1942 -

Artistic folks are often perfectionists who are slow to let their work out into the larger world.  We need to learn to take a leap of faith — to believe enough in our work to let others experience it.  Sure, the work will find critics and those who don't understand and maybe even controversy, but that is okay.  The work must see the light of day.  So take the leap and jump off the cliff.  Share your work with others.

Here is Meredith Monk performing Lost Wind.

Yo-Yo Ma

"I will make a mistake on stage.  And you know what?  I welcome that first mistake.  Because then I can shrug it off and keep smiling.  Then I can get on with the performance and turn off that part of the mind that judges everything.  I'm not thinking or worrying anymore."

— Yo-Yo Ma

Chinese-American Musician

1955 -

Being perfect does not make us successful.  Often it is the mistakes that make us who we become.  The mistakes make us human.  People often identify with our mistakes more than our successes.  I once hired a speaker who through her stories appeared to live the perfect life and she turned off at least a third of the audience.  Sometimes it is better to show weakness than strength.  So forgive yourself your mistakes.  They are what make you human and will eventually make you successful.  Often new ideas, products and opportunities come from failures.  How have you benefited from your failures?

Listen to Yo-Yo Ma talk and perform.

William Faulkner

"Get it down.  Take chances.  It may be bad, but it's the only way you can do anything really good."

— William Faulkner

American Novelist

1897 - 1962

The fear of many writers and artists is having to face a blank sheet of paper or a blank canvas.  And what holds the writers and painters back is the need to be perfect.  They believe that everything they write or paint must be the best so the fear of not being good enough paralyzes the artist within.  You now have the permission of William Faulkner, one of the great American novelists, to create bad stuff.  And I second him.  The important thing is to get the paint on the canvas or the words on paper.  The clean-up will come later in the form of revision.

Mahatma Gandhi

"Freedom is not worth having if it does not include the freedom to make mistakes."

— Mahatma Gandhi

Indian Lawyer/Political Activist

1869 - 1948

Are you free to make mistakes or do you hold yourself to such high standards of perfection that you are bound to fail?  Many of us have to learn that it is okay to make mistakes.  We need to throw off the cloak of perfection and warm ourselves at the fire of mistakes.  We  need to embrace the healing power of mistakes and enjoy what they have to teach us.  No human being is perfect, but for some strange reason we try to be.  Maybe our parents, preachers and teachers set very high standards.  Maybe we set high standards for ourselves.  Maybe we are people pleasers and try to live up to the expectations of others.  Learn to encourage and accept your mistakes.  Have you given yourself the freedom to make mistakes?

Anna Quindlen

"The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself."

— Anna Quindlen

American Author

1953 -

Like many people, I have for much of my life tried to be perfect.  The perfect student.  The perfect son.  The perfect employee.  The perfect husband.  The perfect writer.  The perfect father.  The perfect speaker.  It took me years to understand that I would never be perfect.  That my character contained flaws, many of which I could not see or understand.  Perfection is impossible.  I can never be perfect in the eyes of others.  I can only be me with my unique strengths and weaknesses.  I have come to the point where I don't have to spell every word correctly.  I don't have a panic attack when I send out an email with mistakes.   I don't worry when I slur my words when I speak.  

How about you?  Have you kicked the perfection habit?  Or do you beat yourself up every time you make a mistake?  The next time you screwup give yourself a pat on the back.  Celebrate the fact that you are human.  Treat yourself to a massage.  And most of all, forgive yourself.

Ethel Barrymore

"You grow up the day you have your first real laugh at yourself."

— Ethel Barrymore

American Actress

1879 - 1959

Many of us take ourselves too seriously.  We need to learn to laugh at ourselves.  We all make mistakes.  We all screw-up.  When we learn to laugh at our mistakes, we begin to heal the pain.  None of us are perfect, even those of us who try to be.  For years perfection has been one of my goals whether I was speaking or writing and I have had to learn a hard lesson that it is okay to make a mistake.  I have had to learn to relax and to laugh at myself.  In fact, mistakes make us better people, more human.

Truman Capote

(1959)

"Failure is the condiment that gives success its flavor."

— Truman Capote

American Writer

1924 - 1984

People, unfortunately, strive to be perfect and not make any mistakes.  For creative leaders, perfection creates paralysis and immobility.  Painters who seek perfection stay with the tried and true because they don't want to risk failure.  Writer won't step outside their comfort zone because of the fear of failure.  We are a society driven to be perfect and we don't tolerate mistakes.  Yet, without failure there is no success.  Failure provides the flavor to life.  

For a society that dwells on perfection, we crave seeing others fail.  We love to watch the mighty fall.  We cling to our entertainment shows to see which celebrity screwed up.  Who is going through a divorce.  Who is sleeping with who.  Who is fighting with who.  If I began naming names, the list would never end.  Every moment of every day someone stumbles and falls.  

Yet, it is in the moments of failure that some of the greatest novels have been written and some of the greatest paintings have been painted.  Without the pain of failure, there would be no joy in success.  So I challenge you to step outside your comfort zone and try something new.

(Source of quote: Goodreads.com)

Eric Fischl

"If you worry about how good the art is, you're never going to make your own art."

— Eric Fischl

American Artist

1948 - 

For many of us we have a need to be perfect and  we punish ourselves when we don't live up to our expectations.  Some people go so far as to stop creating.  Their fear of not being perfect gets in their way and they give up.  If you create from your heart, stop worrying about technique and accept the fact that you will never be perfect.  And who says that you are a good judge of your own work.  There are many examples of creative leaders being remembered for some minor work that they dashed off in a very short time.  Do you really think that Charles Dickens thought that Christmas Carol would be his most famous, reproduced again and again in film and television?  Many times what the author loves does not sell well and is poorly received by the general public.  So don't worry about how good your art is.  Just paint, write and compose.  The public will do the rest.

Ten Breaths: Damage
(2007)

Pierre Auguste Renoir

Self-Portrait
(1875)

"It is not enough for a painter to be a clever craftsman; he must love to 'caress' his canvas, too.

— Pierre Auguste Renoir

French Artist

1841 - 1919

For some people the process of creation is painful and difficult.  They struggle to put words on paper or paint on the canvas.  They let their fear of failure or their drive for perfection prevent them from working.  Others love to work.  They are happiest standing before a canvas or sitting before a computer.  Work comes easy for them.  Which person are you?  Do you love your work?  Do you enjoy painting?  Can you get lost in process of painting?  Do you enjoy writing?  Can you write for hours and suddenly stop and realize how fast the time has flown by?  Or do you procrastinate and look for ways to avoid working?  Do you tell yourself that you have to clean the house, wash the dishes or pay the bills instead of working on your art or writing?

Umbrellas
(1981)

Read my poem, Indecision, inspired by Renoir's painting, Umbrellas.

Winston S. Churchill

Churchill, Age 26

"Success is stumbling from failure to failure with no loss of enthusiasm."

— Winston S. Churchill

British Artist, Historian, Writer and Statesman

1874 - 1965

Churchill painting (1946)

Churchill was a man who faced both failure and success multiple times throughout his life.  He did poorly in school, had a speech impediment, grieved the death of a child, smoked Havana cigars, and was captured and spent time as a prisoner of war in South Africa.  He wrote a novel, two biographies, three volumes of memoirs and several books of history.  He was awarded the Nobel Prize for Literature in 1953.  He painted hundreds of paintings and several now hang in museums.  He served as the Prime Minister of Great Britain twice.  So when Churchill speaks of failure and success we all should listen.

We all face both failure and success in our lives.  How we respond to what life hands us will tell others a lot about our character.  When you suffer the humiliation of defeat and rejection, how do you respond?  Do you become angry?  Do you seek revenge?  Do you withdrawal into depression?  When you receive some honor and are applauded by everyone, how do you respond?  Does the recognition go to your head and you become arrogant?  Do you act like a diva and expect everyone to do your bidding?  How we deal with the successes and failures of life tells us a lot about ourselves.

Daybreak at Cassis, near Marseilles
(1920)

Colette

"You will do foolish things, but do them with enthusiasm."

— Sidonie-Gabrielle Colette

French Novelist

1873 - 1954

Humans are not perfect.  We make foolish mistakes.  We behave in ways that we know we shouldn't.  We make choices that we later question.  We take the wrong turn in the road and find ourselves at a dead end.  We run out of gas and find ourselves stranded at the edge of the road.  We trust someone when we should have been wary.  Even the most rational of beings can make foolish decisions.  And creative leaders are not immune from this disease of foolishness.  Read the biography of any writer, artist or musician and you will find story after story of mistakes.  

Are you enthusiastic about your mistakes or do you try to sweep them under a carpet so no one finds out?  Do you celebrate your foolishness with a toast?  Are you able to laugh at your foolish mistakes?  Do you find humor in your imperfections?  Do you learn from your mistakes or are you doomed to repeat them again and again?

Salvador Dali

"Have no fear of perfection — you'll never reach it."

— Salvador Dali

Spanish Artist

1904 - 1989

Are you a perfectionist when it comes to your art?  Are you obsessed with crossing every T and dotting every I?  During much of my life I have been a perfectionist and there are still moments when perfectionism will raise its ugly head.  The older I get the more mellow I become.  I don't have as much need to be sure that everything is perfect. 

Where does perfectionism come from?  I think it comes from the need and desire to please others.  We don't want to disappoint those we love.  We fear if we make a mistake we might lose the love of others.  

Learn to let go of your desire to be perfect, because as Salvador Dali says: "you'll never reach it."  Learn to accept imperfection.  Imperfection has its own beauty.  Everything in this world is flawed.  Nothing is perfect or permanent.  Mistakes are okay.  Failure is a chance to begin again.  

Denis Waitley

"Failure should be our teacher, not our undertaker.  Failure is delay, not defeat.  It is a temporary detour, not a dead end."

— Denis Waitley

American Author, Speaker

1933 -

How do you view failure?  When you feel you have failed at something, do you stop doing it?  Failure for many people is a dead end.  They don't view it as a detour on the road of life.  How you respond to perceived failure says a lot about who you are and what you will accomplish in life.  

Every failure is an opportunity to learn something new?  To increase our understanding of the world around us.  What have you learned from your failures?  Do you use your failures as inspiration to work harder?  Or do your failures become your excuse to quit and give up?  Failure is a test of your character and your determination.

Playing sports taught me a lot about failure.  In baseball, no batter gets a hit every time he comes up to bat.  In fact, if a batter gets a hit three out of ten at bats, he is considered to be an great hitter.  In Little League, I was not a very good hitter despite my size.  My best game was two weeks after appendix surgery.  I played three innings and had 2 singles.

In basketball, no player makes every shot he takes.  In fact, if a player makes 50% of his shots, he is considered to be a good shooter.  When I was a freshman in high school, I dreamed of playing in and winning the state high school championship my senior year.  And while my team had a record of 28 wins and 1 loss, we never made it to the state championship.  That final loss and failure to play in the championship became a symbol for my loss of religious faith.  And for years I held onto that symbol and let it guide my life.  What I saw as a failure was actually a very successful year.  To play 29 games and only to lose the last one is a fantastic record.  Many teams would love to have that kind of winning record.  But in my mind's eye I saw it as a failure.

What failures are you holding onto?  What failures do you need to let go?